Aliah Wright:
Thank you for joining us for this episode at NASW's Social Work Talks. I'm your host, Aaliyah Wright, and today we're speaking with NASW member Santo Marabella, about his book, The Lessons of Caring: Inspiration and Support for Caregivers. Dr. Marabella is a professor of management at Moravian College in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. His experienced in study includes work in leadership strategy, management, social work, the arts, and not-for-profit boards. He holds a bachelor's degree in business management from Villanova University, an MBA from Saint Joseph University, and a doctorate of social work from the University of Pennsylvania. Dr. Marabella, thank you so much for joining us.
Santo Marabella:
Oh, thank you. I mean, it's really wonderful to be here.
Aliah Wright:
Can you tell us why you decided to write this book?
Santo Marabella:
Yeah, I've had the privilege of being the primary caregiver for my parents. Dad's 92 and my mom's 88, and they have various advancing medical health issues. We do have a wonderful caregiver that works with me and helps them daily. Within the last year or two, it's been getting little bit more... I guess more pressing in terms of their needs. Currently, my mom's on dialysis now. Dad's had a number of falls. So the last two years, we've kind of ramped up their needs, and it can be overwhelming. So, I thought about this, and I thought, "Well, I bet I'm not the only person in this situation, and I bet that some of the things that I'm learning might add to the conversation about caregiving." I know there's lots of wonderful resources about it, but I've thought that perhaps some of the lessons I've been learning and some of the ways that I could articulate those would benefit others. I think I also needed to do something productive and positive, and not dwell on some of the stuff that can get overwhelming at times.
Aliah Wright:
Who is your intended audience?
Santo Marabella:
I love our membership. I think we have such a variety of people and professions, that are the helping professions. So I think one segment is certainly our colleagues who do so much good for people in all walks of life. And I think sometimes, maybe... And I'm not a clinical person. I did a clinical when I was in grad school. Turned out to be one of the best educational experiences I've ever had. I teach and I work with organizations and businesses. But I still recognize that as professionals in the helping profession, we may not always remember and be present to some of the things that some of the folks are going through. Our focus is on clients, and patients, and sometimes we forget the client might also be, in this case, the caregiver. So I think one target is certainly our membership, and the other target, which is probably a bit larger, are people... You know, the baby boomers, the folks... Traditionally, you know, we called them the sandwich generation because taking care of not only their children, but taking care of their parents. I think it's such an easy thing to forget that we have to take care of ourselves, and in the helping professional, we know that. We don't always do it, but we definitely know about it, but I think those that are taking care of loved ones, family members, may not always remember that, and it may need support to remember that, and also to find ways to do that, to actually take care of themselves. So I think, you know, from an educational, academic background, I always lean towards starting with making people aware and trying to educate and inform, but you know, I've learned in all of my years of teaching that you need to do that at every level that you teach, whether it's in the classroom or outside. You have to get people's attention, and you have to be engaging, and you have to really know your audience.
Aliah Wright:
Dr. Marabella, why do you think this topic is important today?
Santo Marabella:
I know there are books and resources on caregiving, but there's sure isn't a handbook on this. You know, as I said, being the academic, I went to the literature, and there are about 43.5 million caregivers. Can you believe that?
Aliah Wright:
Wow.
Santo Marabella:
[crosstalk] of caregiving, right? That's in the US as of 2015. That's a lot of people in the United States that are in a same proverbial caregiving boat as me. The majority of caregivers, depending on the source, anywhere from 53 to 68%, are women, women who are probably already taking care of households, and children, and having jobs outside the home, and some of the data shows that people who are caregiving, surprise, neglect their own health. There's a statistic that suggests that about 15.7 million people are caring for Alzheimer's patients, and many of those may actually die sooner than the Alzheimer's patients they're caring for.
Aliah Wright:
Wow.
Santo Marabella:
Yeah, the final one that I thought was relevant was a quote by Jo Ann Jenkins, from AARP, "In many cases, people were spending more time and resources caring for their aging parents than they did raising their own children." That's a quote from her. So, if you put all that together, what do we have? We have a contemporary social, societal issue that it isn't going to go away anytime soon, and it's a great thing, right? It's a blessing that we have our loved ones, whether aging or physically disabled, because of a medical science and technology and the wonders that it brings and... And, not a but, and at the same time, we have the challenges and the overwhelming responsibilities that such a situation brings.
Aliah Wright:
I wanted to ask you also about self-care, because that's one of the things that people need to be aware of when they're caring for other people, is taking care of themselves. Can you speak a little bit about why that's important?
Santo Marabella:
Yeah. I'm not speaking as an expert, because I don't do it very well. The basic rationale that I hear a lot from people, from people who care about me, including my parents, is that if you don't take care of yourself, you are going to have no strength, ability, capacity to take care of your parents. So putting it on them, in this sense, that it's not about me, it's about me being able to better take care of them, sometimes helps. You know, I grew up an Italian Catholic, so combine all that guilt there, and... But it's a good thing. Guilt can be helpful. But for me, it's physical health too. I mean the stress, the... And I don't want to paint a picture here, "Oh, poor me." That's not at all. As I said to start, I think it's a privilege to be in this role. And at the same time, it's really hard at times. But when I look at this notion of self-care, I put it in the book that exercise, physical activity, all those things are really important, because they, as we know, de-stress us. I am the worst at this. I despise going to a gym. I have a gym membership. I took what I like to call a gym hiatus for about a year and a half, because of course I had every excuse in the book. You know, I had a lot of hospitalizations with my folks. You know, I needed to be at the hospital, or I needed to be at their house. So there was lots of great excuses why I couldn't go to the gym for a year and a half. So I wrote the book, and in it I put about the importance of self-care in whatever way you choose, and I looked at myself, and I was like, "Well, you know, you really need to practice what you're preaching here," so as of a few months ago, I am back at the gym. I'm hating it less than I used to, which I guess is a progress, but I actually feel better. It does help.
Aliah Wright:
Let's talk about why your book is an ebook rather than a printed book, and tell us what's distinctive about your book.
Santo Marabella:
What I really, really found in this process was there's so many people like me, who also either have been recently or are currently in the same situation, and I thought what better way to support caregivers who might read the book than to hear from more than just me? So I reached out to some folks, you know, social media is wonderful for things like that, and wound up with I think about 10 folks, eight to 10 folks who agreed to share some commentary about their experience. So what I did is each of the lessons or chapters, the conversations with the folks that went on video matched those lessons. So I think it's another way to bring to life the lessons. Look, I don't think people who are caregivers have the time or the inclination, for the most part, to read a heady research book. It's not one I wanted to write, and it's not one I would want to read as a caregiver. I think what people who are in this situation want is they want support, they want resources and tools that they can apply the next day. And I think they also want a community. As you've seen, the chapters are really short. There's activities. The videos bring to life what other people have been through. They offer support and encouragement, and they're kind of folksy, just regular folks, just talking to me, which is just really what I wanted. I wanted authentic support for people who read this book.
Aliah Wright:
It's definitely different, in that it's structured that way. I found the videos incredibly insightful, because it's just real people talking about their real experiences in dealing with being a caregiver, and it's something that I think a lot of caregivers don't think about, that there are other people out there like them going through the same thing. So I want to ask you about how the book is laid out and structured.
Santo Marabella:
The way it's structured is there eight lessons after the introduction. There is kind of an opening little background and some of my experience. Then there's what I call a mantra. I've been influenced over the years by so many wonderful modalities and philosophies, and of self-care and mindfulness, so I've tried to incorporate the little that I know about that into a very usable format. So there's a mantra for each lesson. Then there's some questions that I pose to the reader for them to consider, and to think about, and to reflect on, followed by by just that, a reflection, a way to really be thoughtful. One of the things I've learned from social work is this notion that... I guess we used to call them process papers and process forms, where we would actually be evaluated by we're doing, but that process of reflecting, and being introspective, and taking the time to be present to what's going on, it almost... What I call it in my alter ego, the Practical Prof, I call it the prof pause. This pause is what gets us out of trouble. It gets me out of trouble a lot, because it's that point where you want to say something, or you want to do something, and you just don't do anything. You just stop dead cold and collect yourself. Breathing is a really important thing, I've found. It keeps clarity. There are lots of circumstances and time that that just challenge us as caregivers, that just really, really test us, so taking this prof pause, or the reflection, can be so helpful. Then, you know, I am a college prof, as you noted, so you know, we have to have homework. I have a background in consulting and training for businesses, and businesses want takeaways, and takeaways they can use the next day. Influenced by that, there's homework that I think will help you maybe in an area of caregiving as it relates to one of these lessons, to maybe develop and grow in that area. Trust me, I quote myself as a student of this, not just the teacher in this book. Then the final section is a musing, which I hope kind of lightens the things up, because this can get a little bit heavy at times.
Aliah Wright:
What is your hope for the book and its impact?
Santo Marabella:
The human part of me is like, "Well, I want to sell books, right?" And that'd be fun, because you get to communicate your message more. More than that, and bigger picture, and longer term is I've been given some gifts in my life, and I've been very privileged throughout my life, and largely because of my parents. And I really think that I need to give back and continue to give back, not just to them, but if there's ways that I can make a difference for others. I know it sounds kind of hokey and cliché, but people who know me know that it's pretty authentic. It's really who I'm about. I do want to make a difference, and I think sometimes just having the conversation, making it okay to communicate, to vent. You know, I started a Facebook private group for readers. Once they read the book, they're invited to join the Facebook group. I made it private because I want people to feel safe, and that they have a community where they can say, "You know, I am so frustrated, because my mom, dad, brother, son, daughter," whoever you're caring for, friend, partner, "was driving me crazy today, and I don't... You know, I had to take... I had to step away, and I just need to step away and tell somebody." Well, that's really good, because that keeps us grounded in this reality that we're in right now. If I can make a difference in that way, and if we can share this message, and if people talk about this more, more comfortably, wow, then that's a wonderful thing for everybody.
Aliah Wright:
People who are caregivers can feel isolated and alone. How do you hope your book will impact those suffering in that way?
Santo Marabella:
I think that's really true, and it makes me sad a bit, to know that there may be a lot of people. I'm really blessed. You know what they say? "It takes a village to raise a kid." Well, it takes a village to raise your parents as well. And I have that. I have friends of my parents. I have friends of mine. Moravian College, my employer, is just amazingly accommodating. I mean, I'm always committed, and they know that, but at the same time, they're amazing. So I'm blessed and it's still hard, so I can only imagine for people who don't have the community that I have, what this must be like. If people see this is out there, if people connect with the Facebook community, I'm also going to start a... Maybe it'll be monthly. I'm not sure yet, but kind of like office hours with the Practical Prof, where maybe, you know, we'll take an hour, and anybody who's read the book, who wants to check in, and maybe talk with other folks on a video conferencing, which would be really great, because again, anything that we can help people feel connected. We're not doing therapy here. I'll save that for the professional clinicians who do that so well. What we are doing is we're telling people that, "You are not alone, and somebody else cares about what you're going through, and gets it, and is there," and meaning is there to talk to on a phone call, in an email, or on a text, or on a video conference. If you're close by geographically, maybe you grab a coffee when you can find a time at 3:00 AM. That's really my vision of just letting people who are feeling the isolation has some ways out of that.
Aliah Wright:
Can you explain to our listeners what the Practical Professor is?
Santo Marabella:
I love what I do. I teach college. I train business. I've worked with lots of boards in not-for-profits. So I started to write. And it's kind of funny, because my relationship with writing has not always been a love affair. It's mostly been very tenuous and not always fun, because as a professor, you've got to publish or perish. Well, my place at the Moravian, we really emphasize teaching and scholarships, so that's great. It's a place where I really needed to be, because both are so important. But you know, I still needed to write and publish. Once I got tenure, and full professor, and all that stuff, I found out that I actually liked to write, so I started writing. I started writing a column in the newspaper for the Red Eagle. From that column, grew into my first book, which was Simple Lessons for Anyone Who Works. I have this moniker because I think the Practical Prof can be the best of both worlds. I know I live in the academic world, but that's not always practical. And the world of pragmatics isn't always grounded in the best information. So when you put the two together, you get, I think, a good combination that really speaks to a broader audience. It's also helped my teaching, because it reminds me... Whether I'm teaching graduate students or undergraduate students, it reminds me that the best learning is what we remember five, 10 years. So I'm more of the long term. I want to figure out ways that whatever we're talking about, however we're learning, is going to be impactful and enduring.
Aliah Wright:
Professor Marabella, what's the most important takeaway you have for our listeners today?
Santo Marabella:
The take away from reading the book is number one, a feeling of some peacefulness around the notion that when we realize, when he had that aha moment that we're not the only person in this place, and again, this is a recurring theme that we've talked about it, but I can't emphasize it enough. We all know what it's like to be stuck or to feel loneliness, and to feel isolated, and how immobilizing that can be. So if there's this aha moment and the takeaway that, "Wow, a lot of what he says in this book really makes sense to me. I really resonate with that. I didn't realize that's what I was feeling or thinking." Maybe I give you a code for understanding something that you've expressed. You know, I'm not probably teaching you anything you didn't know. I think what I can help do, and what the book can help do, is maybe codify, or categorize, or articulate it in a way that you may not have been able to articulate. Then the second thing is this way of understanding things. And a third, I hope, is that it's inspirational. I think the third takeaway is that we're making a difference for people's lives. We are affirming the dignity of life. There's so many things in this world today that do the opposite, that denigrate, and tear down, and destroy. But wow, caregiving for somebody we love is one of the noblest, one of the purest expressions of love that we can ever, ever articulate and communicate to somebody. And I think people will have to be reminded about that, you know? Because in those times when we're ready to scream, we've got to remember what a wonderful thing.
Look, I know that my parents are still living in their home because of me, and the professional caregiver we have, and because of their will to live, and to continue to have as much quality of life as they can. So I don't look at that as, "Oh look how great I am because I'm doing this," but I do look at it as the greatness around it is I stepped up, and we're partnering together on this journey, my parents and I, and our caregiver. I really feel good about it. You know, one of the lessons I talk about here is regrets. You know, not avoiding regrets, that they are definitely avoidable. There are so many lessons that I think are important, but I think for me, that and being present to what I'm doing is really an important takeaway for me, because I know that I can't stop their illness and disease, as much as I'd like a magic wand, but what I can do is do everything possible, that what they do enjoy here is as much quality of life. Because I don't cause I don't want to regret. I don't want to say, "I should have. I wish I would have." That's not in my vocabulary. If readers get that, and that resonates, I don't want that for them either. I want them to realize that the struggle and the difficulties are surmountable and can be addressed, and maybe this book is one small tool in the toolbox, but maybe it opens doors to others, other tools.
Aliah Wright:
Professor, thank you so much for your wonderful insight. Oh, where can people get your book?
Santo Marabella:
It's available at fine ebook sellers everywhere. If you go on Amazon, or barnesandnoble.com, amazon.com, or iTunes, and type in The Lessons of Caring, then it'll give you links within the book itself, the ebook itself, whatever reader you have, it'll give you link to the video, which takes you to the YouTube page. So if you're on a reader that's connected to the internet, that's really helpful. There are also ways, if you don't have an e-reader, to actually preview it or download it through a URL. So I would encourage folks to do that, but I appreciate your letting me talk about that.
Aliah Wright:
And thank you, Dr. Marabella, for joining us, and listeners, if you've enjoyed Social Work Talks, please leave us a review on iTunes. Until next time.
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