Intimate Partner Violence: Understanding Motives and Methods of Abusers Helps With Treatment and Prevention Efforts

By Andrea Cooper

Years ago, Dorthy Stucky Halley was director of a domestic violence shelter where Tina sought help. As Tina shared her story, Halley came to a startling conclusion: Tina was the seventh victim of the same offender in five years.

The shelter was “doing wonderful things in supporting women and children who were being victimized,” Stucky Halley says. But she realized she could not stop “the 20th victim of this offender” from walking into her office by anything she did with Tina.

“If we’re going to stop the violence, we’re going to need to go to its source, which is the person perpetrating the violence,” says Stucky Halley, LMSW, co-director of the Family Peace Initiative in Topeka, Kan.

Intimate partner violence remains a persistent scourge in American culture. It’s hard to determine how frequently it occurs, given survivors’ fear of reporting. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates roughly 41% of women and 26% of men in the U.S. have experienced sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner.

An astonishing one in five American homicide victims dies at the hand of an intimate partner, the CDC says. For American women alone, the figures are even worse. More than half who die by homicide are killed by men who are or were their intimate partners.

Of course, people can be abused without being physically touched. More than 61 million women and 53 million men in the U.S. have survived psychological aggression from an intimate partner, according to the CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey.

Intimate partner violence can strike anyone. It doesn’t discriminate by gender, sexual orientation, class, race, education, or age. While most abusers are men, women abuse, too.

Slowing such a widespread problem will take a clear understanding of the types of abusers, ways they may abuse, what we know about effective treatment, and how to prevent the behavior in younger generations.

Types Of Abusers

Is a craving for control the source of most intimate partner violence? “There’s a lot of research to support the power and control model in terms of why people abuse,” says Melissa Doiron-Min, DSW, LMFT, in Corona, Calif. One well-known tool, the “power and control wheel” developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minn., shows different types of abuse as spokes, with power and control in the center.

Yet there are nuances. Over years of providing services to victims and those who could harm, Stucky Halley and her husband, Family Peace Initiative co-founder Steve Halley, LSCSW, identified three primary motives for people who lash out: Some abusers are survival-based, some are entitled, and others are sadistic.

Survival-based abusers equate the end of the relationship with the end of their lives. While a breakup is seldom easy, those with typical responses “can still be logical,” Stucky Halley says. “If we think our survival is at stake, that’s another part of our brain functioning.” Anger and fear grow to terror and desperation.

The abuser might strike out and apologize effusively. A honeymoon phase might follow until the tension builds again. Ultimately, the abuser may feel his life is over and want to take his partner down with him. Think of a homicide-suicide case in the news where friends are shocked that the kind person they knew could kill.

Some survival-based abusers depend on their partner for all of their emotional needs and have few connections to family or friends. Others tend to be highly narcissistic. They use their partner for status. As long as their partner is with them, the reasoning goes, no one will see their flaws.

One example could be a high-profile minister who serves as a community role model. His wife and children make the exemplary family. If the wife wants a divorce, “it’s a huge blow to the minister’s status,” Steve Halley says. “He can feel destroyed because his image has been shattered.”

Entitled abusers are probably the most familiar type. If the husband or partner is in a bad mood or dinner isn’t ready when he expected, he has an excuse to abuse. Entitled abusers see themselves as privileged, Stucky Halley says. “They have the right to get what they want and this person is supposed to make it happen.”

A subset of these abusers is in a relationship for material gain. The abuser might be released from prison and need a place to live, which the partner provides. Or maybe he wants to hang out with friends and play video games every day rather than working. The partner might think the abuser loves her. What he really loves is her income and assets.

Sadistic abusers plot and plan long before they take action. Stucky Halley describes the scenario of married couple Susie and John. Over the years, John devotes hours to growing close to Susie’s parents and friends. Then the abuse—psychological and physical—starts. Susie tells her parents or friends, but they’re not sure who to believe. John has been so wonderful to them and has suggested there’s something going on with Susie. Maybe she’s dealing with a mental health disorder and is lucky to have John in her life.

“Susie becomes more isolated,” which is John’s intent, Stucky Halley says. “The more she withdraws, the more her only sense of self is coming from John. The more control he has, the crueler he can become.”

John enjoys fooling everyone. If Susie needs inpatient mental health treatment and John “supports” her, he gets praise from friends. The dynamic is similar to “factitious disorder imposed on another,” formerly known as Munchausen syndrome by proxy. A person claims he is caring for someone sick at home, when he is actually creating the victim’s illness.

The different types can overlap. Most abusers are driven by survival or a combination of entitlement and survival, Halley believes.

Family History and Cultural Expectations

Intimate partner violence can be handed down through generations. Some studies have suggested that a child who witnesses violence at home may later turn to violence to manage intimate relationships. “When we’re raised in environments where violence is normalized, justified, rationalized, that becomes our primary way of coping with conflict,” Doiron-Min says.

Cultural expectations have an effect, too. Charles Frazier, DSW, LCSW, in Hartford, Conn., has written two books on domestic violence and worked with clients in the U.S., South America, Asia and the Middle East. He sees the cliche of dominant, never-show-your-emotions men celebrated everywhere. “As a society, we have not done a good job in raising our boys to be healthy men, to be responsible and accountable,” he says. Many men he’s worked with don’t know how to manage conflict and regulate their emotions. Frazier finds that even women buy into the stereotype that a real man is physically strong, sexually adept, and wealthy.

Substance abuse can compound the problem, both in abusers and the abused. “Substance misuse is common among individuals exposed to IPV,” one study found, “and IPV-exposed women are at risk for transitioning from substance misuse to substance use disorder.”

Ways To Abuse

For most people, the phrase “intimate partner violence” conjures images of physical abuse, from hitting and stalking to rape and murder.

Some types of abuse don’t lend themselves to shocking depictions on screen. One relatively hidden form is finance abuse. Let’s say the abuser earned the household income while his ex-wife or partner was a stay-at-home mom. He sues his ex over child custody or changes to their custody agreement. He might return to court over what school the child attends, religious training, whether the child can get mental health treatment, and more.

Andrea Ortiz, LCSW-C, LCSW, LICSW, director of clinical supervision with Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (JCADA) in Rockville, Md., has seen situations in which the abuser maintains about his child, “This kid doesn’t have trauma” or “This kid doesn’t have ADHD.” Court battles over the child’s best interests can drag on for years, running up bills for a victim who can’t afford them.

At the other end of the spectrum is spiritual abuse. The abuser manipulates his partner by mocking her faith, or insisting their holy book requires the partner to act or think as the abuser directs.

Kristin Burki, APSW, director of the National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life in Madison, Wis., has facilitated support groups for older women experiencing intimate partner violence. She saw religious women with abusive partners who re-examined what they were taught about marriage and their faith once their children were grown. “I realized now that God doesn’t want me to be abused,” one told Burki.

While the tools of spiritual abuse are ancient texts, the tools of tech abuse are modern. Apps like Find You can determine a person’s location. Other apps or tracking devices pinpoint a car’s whereabouts. Partners might take consensual nude photos but after a breakup, the abuser can threaten to make them public, in a move dubbed “revenge porn.”

Assessing Treatments

No single treatment is likely to solve such a complex problem as intimate partner violence. Some studies suggest current practices have little effect on many abusers. Others indicate treatment has a big impact.

A July 2024 meta-analysis published in the Clinical Psychology Review by Dr. Julia C. Babcock, PhD, and colleagues considered 59 studies on battering interventions, including:

• The psycho-educational Duluth Model, developed in the early 1980s, which holds perpetrators accountable, educates them and the community on alternatives to violent behavior, and supports coordination among legal and social services. The “power and control” wheel comes from this model.
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy, which typically focuses on changing one’s pattern of thought and developing problem-solving skills to alter behaviors.
• Newer methods such as acceptance and commitment therapy, a psycho-therapeutic approach that encourages working through painful emotions and choosing actions in keeping with one’s values.
• Circles of Peace, which incorporates restorative justice to encourage change. A peacemaking circle with a professional facilitator might bring together the victim, abuser, family members and support persons to hold the abuser accountable and let the victim speak about her experience. (The study notes many state guidelines discourage including the survivor when intervening with perpetrators.)

Researchers wrote that “battering interventions continue to have a small effect on recidivism of intimate partner violence,” or the likelihood that abusers will abuse again. Some newer methods showed better results than the Duluth model. They include acceptance and commitment therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy that also addressed shame, grief, and self-esteem, and Circles of Peace.

For his part, Frazier believes effective treatment requires a clinical therapeutic component so abusers understand why they behave this way. That means addressing past trauma, which many of his clients have experienced.

“Once they have self-awareness, then we equip them with the capacity to make changes,” he says. Without that insight, they might comply to avoid prison time or other consequences, but the behavior might not last.

Among other strategies, Frazier teaches a technique he calls “the end from the beginning.” It’s designed to help clients identify triggers and imagine what could happen before they act. The more quickly they respond after being triggered, the more problems they’ll face. If they halt their initial reaction and do breathing exercises, meditate, take a walk, or do something else to manage their anger and other emotions, they give themselves time to ponder the results of abuse.

Some responses must happen at a societal level. The Violence Against Women Act, passed by Congress in 1994, included the first national criminal law against battering. Updated over time and reauthorized in 2022, it has put more money and resources into criminalizing intimate partner violence, Doiron-Min says.

VAWA has “vastly improved services for victims of sexual and domestic violence and stalking, as well as education and training about violence against women,” according to The Women’s Legal Defense and Education Fund.

Yet laws against coercive control are lagging. Only seven states have passed laws defining coercive control as domestic violence. The most recent, in Massachusetts, bars “behavior intended to threaten, intimidate, harass, isolate, control, coerce or compel compliance of a family or household member that causes the family or household member to fear physical harm or have a reduced sense of physical safety or autonomy.” Behaviors might range from breaking down the door in a rage to threatening to shoot the dog. California, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, New Jersey and Washington also passed laws on coercive control.

Prevention Starts Early

Preventing intimate partner violence is as critical as treatment. It starts with education. JCADA in Maryland teaches kids as young as sixth grade what it means to understand and respect another person’s boundaries, ask for consent, and hear consent both through words and body language. It also instructs rabbis as a means to share information with the community.

Some would argue effective prevention requires awareness of the diversity of abusers. Imagine a nonprofit’s website devoted to stopping intimate partner violence. Did you envision photos of queer couples? Or adults in later life?

“Oftentimes, domestic and sexual violence services are really designed with younger adults in mind,” Burki says. People over 50 often don’t view traditional domestic violence services as a resource that could help them, she adds, so they don’t reach out. Prevention efforts must be aimed at this population, too.

More research is essential on intimate partner violence, from how best to combine therapy and education, to treatments when both partners are abusive. One current hot topic, Halley says, is how to get abusers to recognize their challenges and seek help before they are arrested and absorbed into the criminal justice system.

Some cultural changes are starting to happen around intimate partner violence prevention. Doiron-Min notes the rise in social media posts about signs of a healthy relationship or desirable partner, nicknamed “green flags.” The National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends communication, respect, trust, and equality among their green flags. Or there’s the social media conversation about praising Golden Retriever Boyfriends who are happy, warm and loyal. One TikTok video about a “Golden Retriever husband” garnered 19 million views.

Prevention also requires a critical eye at familiar tools like universal screening at health care facilities. Almost every woman in the U.S. likely has been asked during a medical visit if she feels safe at home. It’s not clear the technique works as well as it might to prevent or uncover abuse. Nurses and physicians don’t necessarily want to pose the question, Doiron-Min says. They may not feel comfortable dealing with intimate partner violence or believe they are not equipped to respond to it, especially in a typical brief appointment.

Yasoda Sharma, PhD, chairwoman of the NASW National Committee on Women’s Issues and a newly elected member of the NASW national board of directors, describes how many women feel about the inquiry.

“I’m not going to tell a stranger that I’m being abused at home,” she says. “I need to have that connection with someone,” such as a primary care physician. She believes physicians, nurses and social workers must collaborate to increase trust at medical facilities so patients feel more comfortable revealing abuse. “We have to do a better job with screening and assessment.”

Andrea Cooper has written about mental health and social issues for The New York Times, National Geographic online, Vogue, and many other national publications. Her daughter and son-in-law are both social workers.

Resources

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

The Duluth Model

The Family Peace Initiative

CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey

Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (JCADA)

National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life

NASW National Committee on Women’s Issues

NASW Press "The Ultimate Betrayal: A Renewed Look at Intimate Partner ViolenceA Renewed Look at Intimate Partner Violence," by Tricia B. Bent-Goodley